Friday, December 14, 2012

Counseling: the good, the bad, and the ugly

I have a hard time saying "no."  Ironically that was like my second or third word as a child after "dada" and "mama."  And I know it sounds crazy to those that know be best, but it's true especially when I'm at work in or when others depend on me to complete a project or task.  I'm working on saying "no" to the good so that I can say "yes" to the great.  Sometimes that line is really fuzzy for me.

Even though my chronic illness is not visible, it is very present.  I'm still figuring this one out and what that means.  

Teaching was my identity.  (Side note:  is your job YOUR identity??)  I had never really given it much thought, but I was always so proud to introduce myself to others and when they asked what I did for a living, I could PROUDLY tell them I was a teacher.  Same for filling out paperwork where you have to put your occupation on the little line _______________.  I loved filling in "teacher."  Again, it's in my blood and it's something I loved and still love and miss to this day.

For years and years, I didn't realize that I was trying to fill a void that was not meant to be filled, no one asked to fill it, and  I put the pressure and responsibility on myself to fill it.  Many of you know that my parents lost my brother between my sister and I.  My brother, Matthew, was so very special.  God delivered him to earth with Down Syndrome and a severe heart defect.  In the early 80's, technology is not what it is today, so doctor's did the best they could and after two open heart surgeries, sweet Matthew went back home to be with the Lord at just 2 years old.

I always felt like my dad deserved to have a son, and just naturally I gravitated towards the rough and tumble activities--I enjoyed wrestling with him on the floor (he was a college wrestler and then a high school wrestling coach for all you southern people that might not know what kind of wrestling I'm talking about. hehe).  I loved playing softball, and he coached Wendi and I's Little League teams, which I loved, but sometimes got a little bossy with.  Oops ("I'm not the coach, I'm not the coach, I'm not the coach").  He got me hooked on golf and took me to get lessons--I fell in love with the sport instantly, and I have wonderful memories of golfing with him in high school when I was on the golf team and now here in Bella Vista where there are plenty of courses to go around (however I have not played nearly as much since I got sick.  Boo).  Then I chose a college and I knew I wanted to become a teacher, so I went where anyone in Iowa wanting to become a teacher goes--the University of Northern Iowa, where they prepare you and make THE BEST teachers.  While I was there, he even took some of his classes to get his superintendency finished up, so he would drive over one night a week and take me out to dinner and we would "talk" education and school together.   Life was good.

All of these things made me feel sooo proud.  Never did he ASK me or push me to do any of these things; I just naturally enjoyed many of the same things he did and gravitated towards them.  And all of these shared interests gave me a personal connection with my daddy, which I loved.  And teaching was just the culmination.  I know he was so proud of both Wendi and I when we pursued careers in education.

I'm not a little kid on a little league team.  I'm not playing on the high school golf team. I sure don't wrestle on the floor with my dad. And now, I'm not a teacher.  It's just made my heart sad. 

So, I'm working through the process of finding out who I really am, and I know that the THINGS THAT I DO are not what make my dad and mom proud--they care much more about my character.  There is a huge space between your head and your heart though, so I'm working on owning that and knowing it to be true in my head and heart.

Teaching is not where I find out my identity. My identity is in Christ alone, who gives me worth and bought me at SUCH A HIGH PRICE. Wow!!!

1 Corinthians 6:19-20
19 Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; 20 you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.

I used to always think of this in perspective to what I put in my body (food, beverage, drugs, alcohol, and working out, whatever).  But I think I'm seeing it in a new light and listening to my body and taking serious my chronic illness.  Teaching was poisoning me (via stress) and that's ultimately why I got out. That does not change my standing with my dad, mom, sister, family, friends, and especially not my God who is BIGGER than any of my circumstances or emotions.  

 Isaiah 55:8-9
“For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
    neither are your ways my ways,”
declares the Lord.
9 “As the heavens are higher than the earth,
    so are my ways higher than your ways
    and my thoughts than your thoughts.

Has this process been easy? Nope.  Has it been fun?  Not always.  Do I miss teaching?  Yes.  Do I love what I do now?  Absolutely!  

Yesterday in a devotional that I read, these words really resonated with me:  

"God's ways are not our ways. His preparation of His warriors seems cruel and hurtful at times. His ways are much higher than ours. Trust the God of the universe that He can orchestrate the events of your life when they seem the darkest." 

Ps-If anyone is interested, I'm learning a new prayer style called "Centering Prayer."  (More on this later once I've read the book completely).  Here's the book that I ordered on Amazon that my counselor suggested:  
Image found on Amazon's website.
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