Pregnancy, Health, and the Guilt that Comes With It

Today I'm just sharing my thoughts.  Maybe you can relate?

Since April or May of this year and definitely since we found out we were pregnant, I've had these nagging thoughts at the back of my mind every time I publish a blog, post a picture, or share any good news....

Feeling like I shouldn't post the good things going on in my life.
Worrying about what other people will think.
Worrying about my friends and family that are struggling with really tough stuff.
Thinking to myself "it's not fair that I'm pregnant while _____ is not."  Feeling guilty that it happened for us, but hasn't happened for someone else.
What will _____ think?
Thoughts of all the people still waiting on their baby.
Endless thoughts and constant worry.

And then the inner battle continues to plays out.  Maybe I just shouldn't post this or talk about it so that I don't hurt anyone's feelings.  Besides, according to my counter on my blog, more people read my posts that describe horrific no-good-very-bad days than the posts that are all sunshine and smiles.  I think people by nature are somehow drawn to the bad and the ugly--the real life issues resonate with people.  And when I post about my flare-ups, people never read the posts and get jealous; I never have to worry about feeling like I'm bragging when I write about my next colonoscopy.  Ha!  Nooooo, for those topics, people feel sympathetic for me and are intrigued by the process in general, I would imagine.

So what to do when my real life turns from awful to awesome (or so it would appear)?  I'll be honest, at first it made me feel insensitive for wanting to share the good.  I always want to be careful how I come across.   I don't take this pregnancy for granted.  Even if I'm uncomfortable, this is what I've prayed for and wouldn't change it for anything.  Like I wrote in my last post, I know that there are things that I'm going through that other people wish they were experiencing:

Photo credit: Pinterest

I know I rejoiced with my friends when good things happened to them (things like new jobs, getting pregnant, getting a raise, getting a promotion, etc) but everyone is different, and I want so badly to be sensitive to that.  Did I read all 40 weeks of their pregnancy updates on their blogs?  Sometimes.  Not always though!!  It just depended on the status of my heart at the time.  I've experienced my own share of jealousy and longings, so I know what it's like to have to read about another person and then another that found out they are pregnant.  Even though I was excited for them, I was still sad for me when I wasn't.

So in the end, I decided I didn't need to apologize that I became pregnant.  If people were in a place where they couldn't read my blog for some reason (that I could probably relate to in my own past), then I was absolutely fine with that.  In fact I understand that completely.  Sometimes you just have to protect your own heart.  It has seriously taken me months to work through all of this.  Every time I've clicked the "publish" button for every pregnancy post I've done, I've worried if I'm going to step on anyone's toes or make anyone feel bad, which wasn't my intention.  I just don't want to be insensitive, and I'm sorry if I've ever come across that way.  

So to the people that are waiting on their baby/babies......please know that I never wrote any of these posts out of any kind of malicious intent.  In fact, I have prayed for you constantly throughout my pregnancy, and I am going to continue to.  I'll be your biggest cheerleader if you'll let me.  I can't wait to rejoice with YOU some day as you all have done with me. Thanks for letting me be open and honest on my blog.

Thanks for being excited with me in the good times and for being sad with me in the bad via my blog.  I hope I am that kind of friend to each of you as well.   As social media continues to take over our worlds, I just hope we are all trying to be sensitive to one another and the condition of other people's hearts in all that we do and say.

Any thoughts?  I'd love to hear them! 

PS-I did not write this seeking affirmation for my own feelings.  I'm just trying to be honest in sharing my heart and feelings that I did not expect to have.  Thanks for reading.